Walkers, Beware!

There is perhaps nothing that draws New Yorkers outdoors in larger numbers than the first hint of a sunny spring day after a long and chilly winter. As soon as the city starts to thaw, brightly-colored coats begin to populate the streets, Frisbee-toting twenty-somethings congregate in Central Park, and pedicured toes can be seen peeping out of pumps—even if it’s only 50 degrees and said toes go numb within ten minutes of leaving the house. Tired of being cooped up indoors under layers of fleece, New Yorkers jump on the first opportunity to break out of their winter duds—and their apartments. And, with sunny skies and highs in the 70s expected this weekend, there are sure to be plenty of New Yorkers pouring outdoors.

While it’s always enlivening to see so many people celebrating the onset of spring, the warmer weather does pose a bit of a challenge in that it creates more of a crowd on the city’s already-crowded streets. Now, when the crowd is moving along in sunglass-sporting swiftness, there’s not a problem. But that’s not typically the case, as the city is plagued with several kinds of walkers who, though they may be sporting sunglasses, are not at all swift. Oblivious, preoccupied, or just plain slow, they are the cause of troublesome traffic jams on many a city sidewalk, and they often pose the risk of a dangerous collision that can involve crushing the afore-mentioned toes, or worse.

Here, for everyone’s springtime safety, is a list of such walkers to watch out for.

The Zig-Zagger: The Zig-Zagger might walk at an efficient pace, but her route is anything but, and there is nothing quite so frustrating as walking behind her. She starts in the middle of the sidewalk. When you try to pass her on the right, she goes right., nearly driving you into the corner bodega’s vegetable stand. When you try to pass her on the left, she goes left, and you almost trip over a planter. Right, then left again. Your best bet is typically to hop off the sidewalk and sprint your way around her. Just watch out for oncoming traffic.

The Stopper: Perhaps the most dangerous walker of all, the Stopper moves along at an impressive pace and appears to be helping rather than hindering the sidewalk’s flow of traffic. But then he comes to an abrupt halt, causing you—and the three or four people behind you—to smash into him, or collide off someone else in a last-ditch effort to swerve around him. The Stopper can cause scuffed shoes, squashed groceries, and even broken noses, depending on just how short of a stop he comes to.

The Stander: Oblivious to the fact that there are people on the street other than her, the Stander stops sidewalk traffic by refusing to move at all. She might be checking a street sign or a cell phone; or she could be waiting for a friend or the next bus. Whatever the circumstances, she for some reason prefers to stand right in the middle of the sidewalk—or right on a corner, where you’ll typically encounter her just as the “stop” hand begins to flash and you’re trying to catch the bus across the street—forcing pedestrian traffic to slow down and merge in order to avoid bumping into her. Of course, when she inevitably does get bumped, she shoots dirty looks and “Watch where you’re going”s in all directions. Keep your eyes peeled and try to spot her early enough to avoid her. Then again, a harmless bump or two might encourage her to stand somewhere else.

The Techie: Consumed with his cell phone, Blackberry, or iPod, the Techie is too busy texting, messaging, and attempting to communicate with Russian space stations to pay attention to where he’s going. He may behave as a Stopper, a Zig-Zagger, or a Stander, but it’s more likely that he’ll just crash into you—and then keep right on going without looking up from his nifty handheld device.

The Smoker: Though he usually moves pretty quickly, most likely because of the nicotine coursing through his limbs, the Smoker is easily the worst walker to get stuck behind. He looks and smells like a smokestack, and his trail of smoke will leave you sucking fumes or holding your breath until you’re blue in the face—neither of which are particularly pleasant ways to spend a spring afternoon. When you encounter a Smoker, speed up and sprint around him as quickly as you can—preferably while using exaggerated gestures to wave away his smoke, letting him know just how obnoxious it is.

Grandma and Grandpa: The little old couple out for a stroll almost always finds themselves stuck in the middle of a busy thoroughfare when a quiet side street would be safer for everyone involved. The Grandma is usually in the lead, and she becomes a Stander when she turns around to check on the Grandpa, who’s usually shuffling along behind. Too cute to get mad at, they may just need an arm to hold onto as they’re ushered to a less congested route.

Kids Gone Wild: Sometimes they’re running full force right at your shins, while others they’re barreling down the street on a bike or scooter they haven’t yet learned to stop, their fiberglass helmets at the perfect level to take out your kneecaps. Whatever their method of transportation, kids who move faster than their parents can pop out from any direction—and cause serious damage to your lower extremities. Stay alert, or start wearing kneepads on a regular basis. And try to catch any speedy kids that look like they’re headed toward a busy intersection.

The Biker: Though not a walker, the biker poses just as much of a threat to pedestrians as anyone else on this list. He may be a deliveryman more concerned with delivering his pad Thai on time than taking out innocent bystanders, or a cyclist too afraid to ride in the city streets on his way to the park. Where did he come from? No one knows. But he suddenly appears on the sidewalk—bicycle and all—forcing pedestrians to jump out of his way (because he of course doesn’t think of slowing down). All you can do is hope that he rings his bell first.

The Sightseer: This one goes without saying, but no rundown of troublesome walkers would be complete without mention of the tourist who risks injuring oncoming pedestrians with pointing fingers, outstretched maps, and a surge of camera flashes. Like the Techie, the Sightseer can be a Stopper, a Stander, or a Zig-Zagger. But instead of an electronic device, he is usually absorbed with souvenirs and subway maps. If he asks you for directions, be kind and help him out. Your fellow pedestrians will be grateful.

Enjoy the spring weather this weekend, and walk safely!